How To Let Go (Even When You REALLY Don't Want To)
I’m Stacie Mendez, a dedicated Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) with a passion for guiding high-achieving couples through the complexities of modern relationships.
Ever found yourself endlessly fixated on someone who offers you almost nothing in return? As a couples therapist specializing in deep, transformational healing, I see it all the time. You're smart, successful, and discerning—yet somehow, you're trapped obsessing over someone who’s emotionally unavailable or outright indifferent.
Let’s clarify something right away: What you're experiencing isn't love, it's a dopamine loop.
You're not broken or flawed; you're simply caught in a nervous system pattern that has mistakenly linked inconsistency with excitement, safety, and validation.
Understanding the Dopamine Loop
When someone runs hot and cold, offering sporadic attention or affection, your brain doesn’t become addicted to the person it becomes addicted to the unpredictable relief and excitement they provide. This dynamic triggers your dopamine system similarly to how gambling or slot machines do. Each uncertain moment of potential validation (like waiting for their text) floods your brain with dopamine, reinforcing the loop and intensifying your emotional dependency. You're essentially chasing a chemical reward, mistaking it for genuine connection (learn more about limerence and obsessive patterns here).
The Psychology Behind Trauma Repetition
This pattern isn’t your fault. Often, it stems from childhood experiences or previous relationships where love was inconsistent, conditional, or unpredictable. Your inner child learned to associate intermittent attention or affection with safety and worthiness. Now, as an adult, you're subconsciously recreating these dynamics in an attempt to rewrite your emotional narrative to prove you're worthy of love and attention. It's a form of trauma repetition, a deep-seated psychological pattern that keeps you stuck in unhealthy relationship cycles (explore how childhood experiences shape your relationships).
Breaking the Cycle: Evidence-Based Solutions
Here are actionable, therapeutic steps to help you break free from this exhausting emotional pattern:
1. Remove or Limit Exposure to Triggers: Your brain responds strongly to familiar cues. Every time you engage with their social media, re-read old texts, or wait anxiously for their messages, you reset and reinforce the dopamine loop. Muting, unfollowing, blocking, or otherwise eliminating these triggers is crucial to reclaiming your emotional autonomy.
2. Nervous System Regulation Techniques: Your body is constantly seeking safety and stability. Introducing somatic practices can help regulate your nervous system, reducing anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Effective techniques include:
Cold Exposure: Cold showers or ice baths trigger the vagus nerve, promoting calmness and emotional balance.
Breathwork: Conscious breathing exercises calm the fight-or-flight response, restoring emotional equilibrium.
Bilateral Movement: Activities such as walking, jogging, or yoga harmonize brain hemispheres, promoting psychological and emotional stability (learn more about somatic therapies here).
3. Cognitive and Emotional Reframing: Changing how you interpret the situation is powerful. Shift your perspective from rejection to redirection. This person’s inconsistency isn't proof of your inadequacy; it's simply a signal guiding you toward healthier relationships. Stop idealizing potential and acknowledge reality clearly, doing so is both liberating and empowering.
Embracing Your True Worth
You are worthy of consistent, safe, nurturing love not emotional breadcrumbs.
If you're caught in the dopamine loop, know that genuine emotional intimacy and security are achievable. You deserve relationships where you’re fully seen, chosen, and cherished (discover how luxury couples therapy can deeply transform your relationships).
It’s time to let go, move forward, and embrace the fulfilling connection you truly deserve.
