Benching in Dating: Why Being Someone’s “Backup Plan” Hurts More Than Ghosting
Still texting. Still flirting. Still hoping.
They check in just often enough to keep you hooked - yet never actually commit.
That isn’t “mixed signals.” It’s benching.
What Is Benching in Dating?
Benching happens when someone keeps you on the sidelines as a just in case option.
They’re not fully invested, but they don’t want to let you go either.
Unlike ghosting - a clean (if painful) break - benching traps you in a cycle of hope, waiting, and self-doubt.
You’re left wondering: Are they busy, or just not that into me?
Why Being Someone’s “Backup Plan” Hurts More Than Ghosting
Why Benching Feels So Addictive
Here’s the hard truth: Every time you accept the “backup” role, you reinforce a nervous-system loop that mistakes inconsistency for excitement.
It’s not chemistry.
It’s your body chasing uncertainty because the adrenaline of “Will they text back?” mimics the rush of attraction.
This is why benching can feel even more confusing than ghosting. You’re never sure whether to hold on or let go.
How Benching Impacts Your Mental Health
Being benched isn’t just frustrating; it’s draining.
Clients often describe:
Anxiety and overthinking every message
Low self-worth from feeling “not enough”
Difficulty trusting future partners
If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken - you’re responding to mixed messages and emotional scarcity.
How to Break Free From Benching
You deserve more than breadcrumbs. Here’s where to start:
Name It – Recognize when someone is keeping you as a backup.
Set Clear Boundaries – Communicate what you need and be willing to walk away.
Re-train Your Nervous System – Calm the “chase” response through therapy, journaling, or somatic practices.
Rebuild Self-Trust – Remind yourself that love should feel safe, not chaotic.
This is exactly what I teach inside Breakup Bootcamp - my step-by-step program to help you spot red flags faster, trust your instincts, and choose healthy love.
Stacie Mendez Florida Couples Therapist, therapy for heartbreak and relationship issues
Ready to Stop the Cycle?
If you’ve ever been stuck on someone who “almost” chose you, consider this your wake-up call.
You are worthy of being chosen - fully, not eventually.
Join the Breakup Bootcamp today to:
Stop repeating painful dating patterns
Heal the nervous-system triggers that keep you hooked
Build unshakable standards for lasting love
Or, if you’re craving one-on-one support, explore my private therapy sessions for deeper relational healing.
Benching isn’t romance. It’s avoidance.
And you don’t have to settle for it.
The moment you decide you deserve real commitment is the moment you stop being an option and start being the choice.
